Keeping You A Secret: Bae 4 Life
If you have not been keeping up with the horrific case of Na'Ziyah Harris, perhaps this piece can encourage you to do a deep dive. The more eyes on this case, the better. The more we discuss this case as a black community, the more stories surface about other young black girls having the same experience.
Google, YouTube, and Facebook are full of black women speaking to the normalization of dysfunction within their families. In some Black families it is normalized to have that "one uncle" or "older cousin" who everyone whispers about. Just as Na'Ziyah experienced growing up, you might be left in the care or raised in a house with this person. Yet, after reading many of the comments, I noticed an eerie trend. Not only are these men protected, they are left in families to do harm for generations.
Untouched.
What hurts the most is that Na'Ziyah and other victims like her are called: "fast" or "loose". This is a Black community colloquialism which means that girls are acting in hypersexual ways or engaged in promiscuous behavior with adult men. As a result of racism we view are baby girls as women. They are forced into situations which automatically shift them into the Jezebel stereotype. Then they are used, abandoned, and discarded after they have served their purpose. Not only is it predatory, it is many of our stories and generational crosses to bear. I carry mine everyday.
Conversations and debates are not being focused on how Na'Ziyah met this family member when she was 2 years old, or how she was groomed. This man was a registered sex offender yet the blame is directed towards Na'Ziyah who is a minor. I believe it is from a lack of education on boundaries and grooming in the Black community. Most of us grew up in a time when the word "trauma" was used only in an emergency room. There was no mention of mental health. Nor was the protection of children, especially black children, a priority.
pictured: Na'Ziyah Harris has been missing since 2024.
Being 13 years old in the Black community is often seen as "grown". Nicknames like "Queen", "little Mama" and "Little Lady" blurs the boundary line of inappropriate. Emotional incest is woven into daddy-daughter conversations and being forced to sit on adult men's laps are encouraged. As a Black girl you aren't given time to bloom, you are highly sought after immediately. You are prey and you are being hunted.
Every cat call and sexual undertone are advances that you grow accustomed to navigating daily. It starts when a man notices a feature that he wishes to covet. You are now responsible to discover a safe way to decline his advances without bruising his ego. A thin tightrope that never gets easy to balance on.
I recall being at a family reunion in Indiana and getting caught in the rain. I was 6 years old, already dealing with layers of childhood trauma and abuse. Perhaps predators can smell the open wounds of vulnerability. My aunt rushed my cousins and I inside to dry off. Changing our wet play clothes into dry pajamas, my waist length curls were taken out of its ponytails. One of my older cousin's friends, in his 30s, walked by me and stared: "wow you got bedroom eyes" he paused "like sexy Asian eyes" then he took a sip of his beer.
I was confused and scared. The Asian part was right but what does bedroom eyes mean?
Thankfully one of my uncles was there and grabbed him. He was "handled" outside and told to never come back. I was protected. I was safe. But I still didn't know what "bedroom eyes" meant and none of my family members would tell me. This teachable moment was pushed under the rug. I see it now as a lost opportunity. A chance to teach me what that term meant and how to process that encounter. Throughout my time growing up, my eyes and hair were features adult men would comment on. The message I received was, my eyes can cause trouble. I have to protect myself. I have worn glasses every since.
We push our babies into adulthood prematurely. At 18 years old you still have a lot of maturing to do. Reflections of black mothers telling children that you have only 18 years to get your whole life together. Then you are out of the house and into the real world. No support. No sympathy. Creates an opportunity for some huge mistakes and poor choices. Na'Ziyah's aunt met Jarvis at 19. Some say younger.
So how would she carry the emotional intelligence and wisdom to protect Na'Ziyah?
Her choice of Jarvis as a partner reveals that she can't even protect herself.
pictured: Jarvis Butts listening to the text conversations of him and Na'Ziyah from 2022-2023 read aloud in the court room. Jarvis groomed Na'Ziyah to believe she was in an authentic relationship with him.
Na'Ziyah is now under the microscope. Her texts allows us to see just how manipulated and controlled she was by Jarvis. How Jarvis played mental chess with a baby who barely could play checkers. We see Na'Ziyah being heavily "love bombed" in a string of texts by Jarvis and then ignored. Left on read. Her unread texts messages causing her to spiral out of control only to be shifted back into being Jarvis' escape from adulthood. Na'Ziyah was a "vacation" and Jarvis being a false sense of paradise shared a mirage of love. None of it is real. Jarvis never loved Na'Ziyah, she was an outlet. We see Jarvis ghosting Na'Ziyah during their text exchanges at times that she needs him the most. She is an afterthought to him and her pleas for a response go unanswered. Jarvis is a insecure monster. Hiding his true identity, withholding affection and love as emotional punishment. Masking himself as a "father" he abuses his authority and power to gain Na'Ziyah's trust. Singing a sad song of how much he is lacking in his relationship with Na'Ziyah's aunt. Sharing that he is not getting what he needs and plays on Na'Ziyah's empathy. Jarvis' ultimate crime is he played the victim to gain a victim. Mind games, lies, and an obsessive pursuit of Na'Ziyah forced her into a isolation.
Grooming is a gradual process. I learned about how insidious it was in therapy. It lacks reciprocity.
It is calculated, deliberate, and done by people who are supposed to protect us. Targeting those who may need guidance, mentorship, and help. Predators use their positions of power to gain access and exploit others. They see kindness as weakness. They see care, love, and emotions from girls or women as a weakness to be used for their benefit. Na'Ziyah's innocence is overlooked. As if she "knew better" or had the capacity and agency to fight off a predator.
It is clear from the text messages that little Na'Ziyah was groomed and controlled for Jarvis' personal pleasure. It was all about him. At his beckon call, on his time, whenever his grotesque sexual desires rose, Na'Ziyah was supposed to come to him. Secret meeting times and locations arranged in text messages he deleted. Each moment she had the weight of coming to Jarvis. Catering to his lustful desires. Na'Ziyah was objectified and made to fulfill his selfish needs. Wearing a Rugrats winter jacket, she should still be considered a baby. Black girls do not receive such grace or respect. Our weakness is being loving and openly giving which is a green light to be violated. An unbearable cross I also carry. Nowhere is safe.
However, the untold secret in some Black families is that broken women see baby girls as competition. Many refuse to acknowledge, take accountability, or worst burn evidence needed to officially report incidents. Low self esteem distorts the lines and labels of family to foe. Extreme poverty and twisted financial constraints views children as resources. Love is transactional. Gifts are exchanged for "favors". Our homes, neighborhoods, and schools conceal predators deeply nestled within the positions of power.
The question that remains on all of our minds is: Where is Na'Ziyah?
As a teenage mother myself, this missing baby, keeps me up at night. It feels like these stories never end.
Here we are again, in the Black community looking for one of our babies.
No one has seen her.
No one knows where she could be.
Her family hasn't seen her.
Her friends have no idea where she was last seen.
She was an honor roll student.
She was a bubbly and beautiful newly minted teenager.
No one knows how she came up missing.
Oh, by the way, she is also pregnant.
Hunted by a sexual predator that destroyed her innocence because he lacked the courage to heal.
Na'Ziyah was keeping some huge secrets. Some secrets that other babies like herself are burdened to hold. Secrets that are so heavy that if told can impact many lives. Bravely Na'Ziyah held these secrets and she also seemed to be holding a promise too. That the man she named in her phone as "Bae4Life" would be there for her, sadly she was wrong. Her household which is female dominated seems to have missed the major red flags.
As black professionals in social services we see many Na'Ziyah's, who are simply longing for her basic needs to be met. Who naively fall in the hands of people that make them feel special just to harm them.
Na'Ziyah was sent for us to review experiences in our own families, no matter what cultural background.
Are there any Na'Ziyah's in your family that are unprotected? Ignored? Rejected? Or searching for love in all the wrong places? Culturally in Black families it is normal to live in a multi-generational household. It is normal to live with your grandmother as your primary caregiver. It is normal to grow up in households with a bunch of cousins, aunties, and uncles. Sadly, it is also normalized in some families to repeat the cycle of incest. The real nightmares are real life. This story impacts all of us in the Black community. Growing up in a Black family there are some cultural traditions that we embrace. Traditions that are passed down from generation to generation, this should never be included in that lineage.
Na'Ziyah loved social media, she loved dancing. she loved her tablet. She also was a communicator and her texts are telling her story. Relatives around her debated on how she should have been cared for. So family members made reports and calls to authorities which were not addressed in time. After being in my role of United Nations Association-USA Global Goals Ambassador for Peace, Justice and Strong Institutions I have observed how the system fails us. Yet, we can not give up. Documenting the abuse, created in memory of Stacey Peterson and Kathleen Savio, is a way to intervene earlier and keep records: Document The Abuse
Keeping a promise to children like Na'Ziyah that they no longer have to keep secrets. They deserve better.
References:
Author: La Trese Annette Monden, M.A. is a proud Baddie millennial mommy, Chicago native, and Cultural Sociologist moonlighting as a coffee fueled techie. As the 2024-2025 UNA-USA Global Goals Ambassador for Peace, Justice and Strong Institutions, she turned her time as an empty-nester into ambition for making an impact on the world. In her spare time, she loves cooking from scratch on the weekends and holding space for her brilliant Gen-Z daughter Anastasia Marie who embodies rizz.
01.19.25
Comments
Post a Comment